Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Materia
by Professor Padfoot
Summary: A Final Fantasy parody of Harry Potter. Extremely funny. Enjoy!


HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S MATERIA  
  
CHAPTER 1: THE BOY WHO BECAME MENTALLY DISTURBED FROM RIDING A FLYING MOTORCYCLE DRIVEN BY BARRET WALLACE AS A CHILD  
  
A man appeared on the corner of Privet Drive, swaggering into view so slowly and calmly it was unsettling.  
  
The moogle, who had been sitting outside number four Privet Drive since the break of dawn, bobbed its head and giggled insanely.  
  
Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, muscular, and very handsome, judging by the midnight black hair streaked with silver and lack of a beard. He was wearing a long red cloak that swept to the ground and stupidly heavy armored boots. His eyes were... well, actually, they were covered by dark sunglasses. But if you could see them they'd probably be a fierce shade of green. This man's name was Auron Dumbledore.  
  
Auron Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to the arm shoved in the opening of his cloak was unwelcome. He was busy rummaging at the side of his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he suddenly looked up at the moogle, which was still dancing obliviously the other end of the street. For obvious reasons, the site of the moogle seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I knew it."  
  
He found what he was looking for on the other side of his cloak. It seemed to be a large, clay sake jug. He held it up, as though toasting the street, then took a long swig.  
  
"Okay, I'm awake."  
  
He then began rummage in his pockets again and triumphantly help up what seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in he air, and clicked it. All the lights went out. Auron slipped the Putter- Outer back inside his cloak and clunked off down the street toward number four.  
  
It took a long time.  
  
When he finally got there, he sat down on the wall next to the moogle. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.  
  
"Fancy meeting you here, Professor Trepe," he paused, condsering. "Oh no, wait... Maybe it isn't..."  
  
He turned to look more closely at the moogle, but it was gone. Instead, he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses that didn't resemble anything on the moogle. She was wearing a long pink dress and her blonde hair was partly drawn into a bun, save the bangs that flowed down to frame her face. She looked distinctly ruffled.  
  
"How did you know it was me?" she asked.  
  
"My dear Professor, how many moogles do you think there are? Actually, I didn't know they existed until you messed up that Animagus spell."  
  
She threw a sharp, side-ways glance at Auron here, but wisely changed the subject. "A fine thing it would if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles find out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Auron?"  
  
Auron looked away. "I'd certainly suspect something too if I saw a mutated koala hopping around on my fence all morning."  
  
"Will you drop it already?!"  
  
"Well, it certainly seems he has gone for good."  
  
She leaned in closer to him. "You know what everyone's saying? About why he's evaporated? About what finally stopped him?"  
  
It seemed that Professor Trepe had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting outside on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a moogle nor a woman had she fixed Auron with such a piercing stare as she did now. So piercing, in fact, that Auron fell over backward and shielded his eyes while screaming for mercy. It was plain that whatever 'everyone' had been saying, she was not going to believe it until Auron told her it was true.  
  
"What they're saying," she pressed on, "Is that last night You-Know-Who turned up in Costa del Sol. He went to find the Potters."  
  
"The Potters were living in Costa del Sol?"  
  
She blinked. "Well, yes. That's what I've heard."  
  
"How very shocking. Oh well, please carry on."  
  
"Yes, well, the rumor is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - k.o.'ed..... For good."  
  
Auron bowed his head. Professor Trepe gasped.  
  
"Lily and James.... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it... Oh, Auron..."  
  
Auron sighed. He wasn't very good with people skills. "Stop crying. It's not like you knew them or anything. You only met them once at that christmas party last year..."  
  
Professer Trepe again gave him that piercing stare that caused him to sprawl on the ground and twitch spastically. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to k.o. the Potter's son, Harry. But - but he couldn't. He couldn't k.o. that little boy. No one knows why or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't k.o Harry Potter, his powers somehow broke - and that's why he's evaporated."  
  
Auron nodded glumly.  
  
"So....... Why are you here, anyway?"  
  
"We're going to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle."  
  
"You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here! You can't! I've been watching them all day and they're the worst pair of Muggles that-" her sentence was cut off by a low rumbling in the distance.  
  
It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a monster; it swelled to a roar as they looked up at the sky - and huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.  
  
If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing compared to the man sitting astride it. He was a twice as tall than a normal man and chubby round the middle. He simply looked too big to be allowed, and so 'with it'- short curls of black hair and a beard hid most of his face, he had a hand the size of a trashcan lid and an enormous gun attached to the other. In his one vast, tattooed arm he was holding a bundle of blankets.  
  
"Barret," said Auron, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"  
  
"#%$&* borrowed it, foo'," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Lil' Sephiroth Black let me use in exchange for some... well, it ain't important. I got the kid."  
  
"No problems, were there?"  
  
"If there was, I didn't ^%*$'in know 'bout 'em!" the big man exclaimed, outraged at Auron's seeming lack of trust. "I got to da house and it was tight, yo, but it like wasn't there anymo'..... I got him out 'for them Muggles started swarming around. I only had to shoot a few of 'em. #@%^ lil' kid fell asleep as we was flying over Midgar."  
  
Auron and Professor Trepe exchanged uneasy glances but bent forward over the bundle of blankets, that turned out to be Barret's old bandana. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could all see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.  
  
"Is that were -?" whispered Trepe.  
  
"Yes," said Auron. "He'll have that scar forever."  
  
"Wait a #@%* minute!" cried Barrett. "How the %^(& do you know that?"  
  
Auron sighed. "I'm a wise and omnipotent, yet comical paternal-like figure, alright? Do you have a problem?"  
  
Trepe changed the subject. "Couldn't you do something about it, oh You-Who- Are-So-Wise-In-The-Ways-Of-Knowledge? It makes him look ugly."  
  
"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself over my right eye," he paused, thinking. "Actually, it doesn't do anything except impair my vision."  
  
Barrett and Trepe eyed Auron skeptically.  
  
"But I know his scar will be more helpful!"  
  
"Right..."  
  
"Okay," said Auron importantly, clearing his throat. "We'll leave Harry on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away."  
  
"Brilliant, sir," beamed Trepe.  
  
"Aw, do we have to?" whined Barret. "When he's not pulling at my chains, he's actually kinda %^(& cute. Kinda like Marlene... Can we keep him? Huh, huh? Please?"  
  
"Now, Barrett, this is what's best for him. It's better if he grows up away from all the fame our world would give him. Imagine, famous before he can walk and talk! Besides, he has no need for all the money, anyway. No, it's best if he grows up away from all that."  
  
Barrett sniffled, wiping away what appeared to be a tear with a large bedsheet. "Well, okay..... I hope you %^(& know what you're doin'. I pity da foo' who mess wit' Harry Potter!"  
  
Auron picked up Harry and promptly tripped over the low garden wall, barely catching Harry before he hit the ground. He got up and stepped over the wall, and strode to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two.  
  
"Scram!"  
  
They all scampered off in different directions, arms flailing wildly. Within seconds, the street was empty.  
  
A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his bandana without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mr. Dursley's lady-like scream as he opened the front door to put out the beer bottles, not that he would spend the next few weeks being stared stupidly at by his cousin Dudley.... He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in loud, drunken voices: "To Harry Potter - The boy who evaporated the Dark Lord!"  
  
Author's Note: I dunno, random idea one night. Anyway, I am working on so many projects (as you can see by my status screen), that I'm not planning continue this story. It was just to amuse myself. If, however, you do like it and want to see more, please review. It does a writer good and I love to please readers! If I do a next chapter, it will be when Barrett goes to find Harry to give him his letter. Maybe.... I do not own Final Fantasy or Harry Potter. Final Fantasy is owned by Squaresoft and Harry Potter was written by J.K.Rowling and owned by Warner Bros. and published by Scholastic Inc. (As everybody knows, but I guess I'll just put it in here cuz I really don't feel like being sued or anything....) Kudos to Okami for helping me with some of the chapter. Okami: Kupo! 


End file.
